Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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