Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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