omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
50% drunk capacity currently
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
