Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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