I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
