I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
