you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
