just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
