textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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