I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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