There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
