The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
