I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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