talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
