final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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