last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
