I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
