i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
