thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
