last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
