Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
3 2 1 whiskey
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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