My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
