Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
