I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
