I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
