I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
