I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
