if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
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