My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
