Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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