Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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