At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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