ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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