I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
