youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
