thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
