dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
