Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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