he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
