Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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