First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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