I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
