you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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