I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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