i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
