No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My penis needs a shock collar
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
