She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
