Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
