i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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