Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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