I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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