she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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