...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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