Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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