He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
