I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
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