My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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