You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
