he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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