bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize