Betty ford says i'm here all night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
