Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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