i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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