Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He better not be in your backpack
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
