So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
